What the hell are holidays all about ?

  1. Get jealous of other people's holidays
  2. Go online, spend endless hours on holiday porn sites
  3. Consult bank balance
  4. Throw caution to the wind
  5. Book something unsuitable, let's face it, it's a lottery
  6. Buy stupid swimsuits
  7. Unsuccessfully attempt to locate last year's suncreams
  8. Buy all new suncreams - what price skin health hey ?
  9. Locate last year's untouched suncreams
  10. Pack
  11. Unpack
  12. Re-pack
  13. Raid supermarket aisles for swimwear, flip flops and sunhats in garish colours
  14. Fret about who's going to feed the cats and water the plants
  15. Worry about getting to the airport in time
  16. Get to airport with several hours to spare
  17. Board plane, eventually
  18. Get sat next to woman with hacking cough or screaming baby or possibly both
  19. Endure miserable flight then disembark to sweltering temperature wearing winter clothing
  20. Arrive at destination
  21. Phone home to check cats have been fed
  22. Pull out high-vis sherbert coloured leisure wear
  23. Burn yourself on day one
  24. Accumulate enough mozzie bites to cover most of your lower legs
  25. Discover a liking for a new alcoholic beverage
  26. Pharmacy visit for itch relief and hang-over pain relief
  27. Eat dodgy seafood ( preferably day before flight home ) 
  28. Eat, sleep, swim, repeat
  29. Reverse steps 10 - 18 but wearing skimpy clothing, arriving home to freezing temperatures
  30. Work out how the hell Uber will ever find you in the short-stay carpark
  31. Feed starving cats and water wilting plants on arrival home
  32. Swear never to do this again
  33. Have a proper shower in a cubicle you can turn around in then sleep in a proper bed 
  34. Upload your photos and tell the world you had a wonderful time
  35. Consult new raft of holiday porn sites

We never learn.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

October 23rd 2023 - Day One in the House

They arrive in a blur. Four of them, pacing the flooring, all beanie-hatted, sucking on their e-cigarettes. Justin, Jamie, Kyle and Freddie. Meet the gang - our builders. No skip , no portable loo, no clue as to what they're going to do for the next few hours. At least it's sunny. Things start getting ripped out , stopcocks dribble water and the kettle's on for tea. The junk piles up on the patio, the floor comes out next. Justin doesn't seem to have a plan. The Jaffa Cakes are going down a storm though so that's something  and suddenly  he's gone. The lads clear off a couple of hours later and everything  goes quiet.  He asks to look at the plans from Howdens. Two days later he's going to ask for the Surveyor's report for the steels. This is not promising. We hunker down in our sealed off bunker that evening with an air-fryer, a toaster and a pile of boxes filled with useful things like a an 82 piece china dinner service and a crate full of unusual spic
Read more

Advice for young women contemplating marriage

Caitlin Moran nailed it when she said "Don't marry a c**t" How do you know if your intended is a potential c**t ? In all likelihood you'll find out too late. The early years of marriage are a doddle, it's when you plan for children that the waters start to muddy. And by 'muddy' think sludge-brown, chemically contaminated river silt. Despite their insistence that the workload will be shared, quite simply, it never will. Trust me on this. No matter how liberated and woke they claim to be , men will always resort to hiding behind that kevlar barrier called Male Pride. Actually it doesn't even deserve this capitals. Who even coined that phrase ? I've seen it described as 'The definition of something like masculine pride would come across as something like the following: an innate sense of aggressive pride in one’s maleness.' However, the synonyms for this could easily fall under machismo, chauvinism, or manliness at the most vague. What I have
Read more